Young love. It’s a confusing, fickle thing. One minute it’s all sunshine and bluebells, the next it’s rot and ruin. And then it’s sunshine and bluebells again! At least that’s the case for two young people who go by the names Justin Bieber andSelena Gomez. We’ve followed the ups and downs of these two dopey kids’ relationship for what feels like years now, through breakups and reunions and everything else. Now? Now it seems they are, for real, back together again.
That’s what Us Weekly says, anyway. They’ve got some sources, multiple sources, who say that Biebs and Gomez are back to being an official couple. Here’s a quote they got from one of these sources: “Justin and Selena are definitely full-on back together at the moment. They spent all day riding together on a Can-Am Spyder on Sunset Blvd.” Oh! My goodness! Well certainly if they spent all day riding a Can-Am Spyder down Sunset Boulevard together, then it must be love. You don’t ride a Can-Am Spyder down Sunset Boulevard all day with just anyone, that’s for sure. That is something you reserve for someone you are truly in love with. So this is serious.
You may be wondering what a Can-Am Spyder is, and that is fine, you are right to wonder. It turns out that it’s some sort of three-wheeled motor vehicle, like a motorcycle, but without all the cool two-wheel risk. It’s one wheel short of an ATV, America’s saddest vehicle. So at least they weren’t riding one of those. Anyway, yes, a Can-Am Spyder, all day long, on Sunset Boulevard. That, folks, is the real deal. Do I hear wedding bells? I sure do. Ever since the accident, there are bells incessantly ringing in my head. Don’t ride ATVs, folks. At least not when you’ve had six Twisted Teas and are still depressed about the Lost finale.
What were we talking about? Oh, right, Justin and Selena. They’re a couple again. Or were. They’ve probably broken up in the time it took to read this item. That’s just the way young hearts work, flashing on and off like blinker lights, but never knowing which way to turn. [Us Weekly]
Someone tried to storm Taylor Swift’s castle. Three someones, in fact. Three Connecticut residents were arrested on Sunday outside Swift’s palatial Rhode Island seaside estate, because they were yelling swears and hurling beer bottles at security guards. So it was some kind of protest, the proletariat rearing up against the monied aristocracy. Who were these brave crusaders? A 26-year-old woman, a 29-year-old man, and his 28-year-old “roommate.” Innnnteresting! I wonder what impulse drove them to Taylor Swift’s house that day? I mean, haven’t we all asked ourselves that at some point in our lives? “Why am I at Taylor Swift’s house right now? Why am I standing on the beach, screaming into the wind, scared that she will hear me but also hoping she will?” What is it about that mysterious mansion, there like a big barnacle on the rocks above the water? What power, what magic does it possess that so many of us, so many 26-year-old women, so many 28- and 29-year-old men who are still doing the whole “roommate” dodge, have dashed themselves on those particular rocks? Of course we’ll never find out why these three did what they did that fateful Sunday. Because, as all too often happens, they will likely disappear. Turned to seafoam by Swift’s spell. Seagulls issuing mournful calls as the tide rushes in and out, reaching reaching reaching for Taylor Swift’s house, but never quite getting there. [The Hollywood Reporter]
Hey look! There’s another royal baby, this time from Luxembourg! For those unfamiliar, Luxembourg is a small country settled by the Playmobil toy company as a testing ground for their doomed, possibly fascistic utopian ideals. And there is a royal family there, among them Prince Felix and his wife Princess Claire. They have just had a baby named Princess Amalia, and they have debuted the first picture of her. The picture is available for all of us to see, yes, but of course it’s mostly meant for the wonderful Windsors of Westminster, who of course are looking to seal Prince George to a suitable bride. May Princess Amalia be the right choice? Possibly! Better a princess from Luxembourg than a dreadful Italian, or the daughter of some Spanish duke, raised rough and coarse, a thick-shouldered Viguesa. Luxembourg is good. Refined, wealthy, safe. No passion or real politics there. Just money and time. Which is all Prince George needs. Of course we may get some kind of entry from Sweden or Denmark perhaps, but barring that, I’d say Princess Amalia is at the top of the list. Congratulations, everyone! [Us Weekly]
As we’ve all heard, Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas are splitting up, after 18 years together. It’s a sad thing, but I’m sure they have their reasons, so we should accept it and wish them well as they move on with their lives. But that’s going to take some time, and some work. For example, Griffith has a tattoo on her right arm that’s a heart with the word “Antonio” inside, so she’s going to have to deal with that. She was photographed recently at the Taormina Film Festival (I’m guessing it’s the Taormina in Sicily, unless there’s like a Taormina, Florida, or something?) with makeup covering the “Antonio.” It sorta works, making the tattoo look like just a weird tattoo rather than a sad symbol of a failed relationship, but that’s a temporary solution. Eventually, as with so many things these days, there may have to be lasers involved. In some ways I think we always knew that the dissolution of Antonio Banderas and Melanie Griffith’s relationship would involve lasers. And this is how it happens. [Page Six]
Courtney Love and Mariah Carey hung out and there is photographic proof. There they are, the two of them, leaning back to back, ready to take on the world. And they probably would have took on the world had they been able to leave the hotel room, but they couldn’t stop screaming at the walls and rolling themselves up in bedsheets and hurling champagne bottles at the floor. Still, I’m sure they had a lovely time. [Daily Mail]
It’s great that Leonardo DiCaprio has donated $7 million to ocean conservation. That is a noble and good thing to do. But god I wish someone had talked to him about how to submit his donation, because even though Jim Cameron taught him that you can just walk to the back of a boat and hurl a small fortune into the murky depths and everything will be O.K., that’s not actually the best way to give money to the ocean. But that’s how he did it. So if anyone wants to go on a little diving expedition, there’s a duffel bag with $7 million in it lying on the ocean floor somewhere near Moonshadows in Malibu.
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